The postman stops, looks Archibald dead in the eye—the real one, I assume—and says, 'Archie, I heard a rumor you’ve been talking to trees again.'

Archibald’s heart jumps. He thinks, 'It worked! The birds! The wind! The gossip!' He leans in and says, 'So you heard? About the eye?'

Here is a story written in that "old-chunk-of-coal" voice, inspired by the themes of Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery .